My first STD was from a foam party
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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