the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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