apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
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