these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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