we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
