Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
