I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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