Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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