She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
