my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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