I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
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