I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
