i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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