so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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