I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
