So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
