I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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