last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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