At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
