i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
