Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
