Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
