something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
