Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
