hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
