she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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