I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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