I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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