hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
