She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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