At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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