Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
