Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
