Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i will never coherently bang her
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Randomize
