Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I lost the right to judge tonight
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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