this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
