I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
