Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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