He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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