I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
