I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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