If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
