You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
