finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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