just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
