My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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