The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
