Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
