i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
It's never too late to be topless.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
