Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
