last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
