you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
