My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
